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thecharlton
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Name: charlton
Birthday: 12/18/1980
Interests: I love Jesus, my family, my friends. I love the outdoors: mountains, beaches, parks, sunrises, playing in the rain. I love dogs, playing guitar and piano, sports, ice cream, reminiscing, road trips, randomness, dry humor, pranks, naps, movies with friends, books, and solitude.
Expertise: sometimes
Occupation: intercessory missionary
Industry: international house of prayer
Message: message me
Member Since:
6/9/2006
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| The "Llandrindod Experience" of Rees Howells:
"Like Isaiah, I saw the holiness of God, and seeing Him, I saw my own corrupt nature. It wasn't sins that I saw, but nature touched by the Fall. I was corrupt to the core. I knew I had to be cleansed; I saw there was as much difference between the Holy Ghost and myself as between light and darkness. The Holy Spirit went on dealing with me, exposing the root of my nature which was self, and you can only get out of a thing what is in its root. Sin was canceled, and it wasn't sin He was dealing with; it was self -- that thing which came from the Fall."
I find myself in a predicament similar to that of Mr. Howells. Though i haven't had the same lofty experience that He has had, I am faced with a similar crisis, which is exactly the word he uses to describe his experience. I know I don't see my "self" nearly to the same degree that he did, but I do see a small part. I must say that I have never been more disgusted in my entire life. I had no idea that was in me. To say that we have nothing apart from Christ is completely different than knowing that truth without doubt. I read in Jeremiah where he states the nature of the heart being deceitful above all things, desperately wicked, incurable, exceedingly corrupt, and who can know it? I read that, but deep inside me I know that I still view myself as a "good person." I haven't done anything horrible or worthy of facing prison. More than that, I go to church, I read the Word, and I even play/sing on a worship team at IHOP-KC. I place my confidence in those facts. I do see myself as better than most people for those reasons. I'm not proud of it, but that's the truth i now see within my "self." I place confidence in me being a good person. And that mindset is the biggest obstacle to me knowing God rightly. For me to know Him rightly, to see Him rightly I would see myself the way Paul, Isaiah, and John did. Paul saw himself as the chiefest of sinners and that was not false humility. When he makes that statement, he means it. Isaiah, one of the greatest prophets with probably the most revelation regarding Israel's future destiny, saw Him in chapter 6 and was undone at the sight of himself in the presence of the King. John, the disciple that Jesus loved/ the one who leaned upon His breast, fell as a dead man at the true sight of Jesus in His glory.
It is a mystery that I must know. I must know how much I need Him and His mercy and grace, His Spirit and presence. To have this revelation and still live must also mean a revelation of His true thoughts and emotions toward us weak ones. The "I am dark but lovely" reality is one that i am desperate to know. Can my heart be changed? Can I really be conformed unto Christ? Oh wretched man that I am. Who will deliver me from this body of death? Can I see myself the way He looks at me? God do You really think that? Do You really feel that way? I must know.
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| When i look at the cross, what is it that i see? i know what i'm supposed to think theologically, doctrinally, biblically, but what is in my heart when i see Him on that cross. this past spring i took a Christology course and we spent a day on the crucifixion. and as the teacher spoke i couldn't get this feeling out of my stomach, out of my heart that was screaming, "NO!!! it should be me up there. you shouldn't have to do this!!" it's the same thing that Peter "rebuked" Jesus for saying, and He replies calling Peter, "Satan"(Mt. 16:23). it's the same thing that causes me to get down on myself when i see my sin. i look at myself and think i should know better by now. i've already repented of this thing 20 times . . . . this week. and so i hide. and i don't read the Word. and i don't pray. and i don't worship. all because i see my own filth. basically what i think all this means is that i have little faith. not enough faith to believe the Word. because if i did, i would read that He is and was intimately acquainted with ALL of my ways(Ps 139). and i would read that when He looks at me, even in the pinnacle of my weakness, He loves me(SoS). and not just because He has to, He truly does see me as beautiful. He really does. No really, that's what He thinks and feels.
I see my filth and grossness, the utter putridity that makes up who I am and what I do. I see it as completely contrary to Him and His ways. but I don't have faith to see that when all i do is come to Him and ask for forgiveness in sincerity of heart He washes me and He FORGETS my sin. God's mercy is established in eternity (Ps 89) meaning we will need it forever. God delights in mercy, but i am slow to receive it because i think i don't deserve it. and . . . well . . . i don't. i never will. it is pride that causes me to not receive what i need the most. i will always be in need of His mercy. even when i'm doing good and happy and i think i'm walking strong....especially in this time, because this is when i get puffed up and i fall on my face and it takes me forever to turn my face back to His to receive mercy. Why does it have to take time? Why can't i simply just return to Him? when will i be rid of this pride that hinders me from coming to Him?
i really don't have an answer. all i know is that if we have the same revelation that Paul did (chiefest of sinners), we would be quick to receive His mercy. God help me to know how much i need You. Help me to truly see that I have no good thing apart from You. Help me to receive Your mercy new every morning. Help me to believe in who You are and what You say: "gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, rich in love, good to all"(Ps 145). Help me to see with eyes of faith, to see myself as You see me. I am dark....but lovely.
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| in studying the fasted lifestyle (Mt 5-7), i'm finding that what is supposed to be basic Christianity is harder than i thought. prayer, fasting, giving generously, and forgiving completely are realities that should be engrained in my heart, yet they still seem like difficult tasks rather than natural steps toward life and godliness. moreso, i find that the more i dive into the beattitudes, the more wretched and poor i find myself. "Happy are those who mourn." What is that?!? people here say that to mourn is that state of revelation that our ways are not His ways, and the brokenness that comes upon us when we realize that our nature is to hurt and betray our Beloved. and that understanding God calls blessed. so, right now i guess i'm blessed because i'm finding out more the inner wretchedness of who i am and my opposing, hostile nature toward the One i love. (so when does that "comfort" exactly come in this "mourning").
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| So the Lord continues to press on me the issue of eternity. I have begun rereading "Fire Within" by thomas dubay. it's an amazing book that includes a lot of material from the mystics st john of the cross and teresa of avila. it's been about 7 months since i've spent time in the contemplative prayer thing, but getting back into it i'm beginning to see it in a new light and also some things coming together. the very basic level of contemplative prayer is meditation. not the clearing of your mind like buddhism, but what's called a "loving knowing," which basically means in silence focusing every thought and emotion on Jesus. if you want to know more about mysticism and contemplative prayer, i'd be more than happy to share, but for now let me skip to the juicy parts of what He is showing me right now.
read the book "knowledge of the holy" by a.w. tozer and this will hit closer to home - the greatest thing about knowing God is that you cannot know Him. meaning that He is eternal, infinite so when you try to describe what God is like you can't. take the greatest piece of art in the world and ask people what it means to them or what it evokes in them. you will get various answers no doubt, and also many people might not even know what to say. Dubay says that the, "slowly developing and deepening immersion into God is the supreme work of divine art," and that describing this immersion is incredibly difficult. since God is so completely "other than" (holy), our descriptions of Him are inadequate because we use finite terms or images to portray a God who is infinite. in other words, there is a deeper knowing of God that cannot be expressed in words or thoughts or emotions because they are simply finite, human modes that are insufficient. the deeper knowledge of God is attained by what john of the cross terms, "knowing by un-knowing." this is a knowledge that is idealess if that makes any sense. it is a dark knowledge, hidden in the chasm of eternity far above emotion, thought, or reason and can only be attained by receiving. in other words there is nothing you can study or say or do that will get you this knowledge; it is only given by God. but since God desires and delights in revealing Himself we have confidence through His promises, but we have to put ourselves in a place to receive in order to attain. contemplative prayer is this place of reception. there are good days and there are dry days, but you do it consistently for the, say, rest of your life and you'll be good.
so...to summarize - the more you spend time in meditation, the more you will know God. the more you know God, the more you "un-know" Him. the more we know that He is unknowable, the more we will accurately know Him as He is. meditation - sitting at His feet - waiting on the Lord, this is that "one thing" that is needed. so read the following books. they are amazing supplemental helps to guide us into a life of communion with God. especially in our western culture, we need to learn to be still and silent before Him because prayer is not so much about asking as it is listening.
recommended books on contemplative prayer - "experiencing the depths of Jesus Christ" by Guyon, "Fire within" by dubay, "the seeking heart" by fenelon, "inward journey" by edwards, "spiritual guide" by molinos, "final steps in christianity" by Guyon, and the best of all "song of songs" by some guy named Solomon. they are all amazing...so read them.
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| Am i living for the age to come? This question came to me last night in the prayer room and it literally stopped me in my tracks. I had just finished reading a chapter titled "the offense of the cross" by John G. Lake, and I was getting ready to pray Eph 1:17-19 on the mic. It was one of those waiting times because there was a rapid fire prayer going on, and I was up after. So the question came and I was overcome with a. . .with a sense of reality. My heart was awakened to a deeper understanding of eternity. There are SO many scriptures that talk about the frailty of man and the shortness of life on earth. And of course the idea or thought of heaven is always in my mind: Jesus died on the cross to save me from my sin, and that through faith I will live eternally with Him. But something more was opened to me connecting now and eternity. Am i really living for the age to come? In other words, is what I am doing now for the purpose of how I will be in eternity. Scripture tells us that the way we look, the way we dress, the way we are adorned, what are roles are, where we are seated are a direct result of how we live in this age. So the question remains, how is what i am doing now going to affect my eternal state? Am I truly storing up treasures in heaven? Is my mind set on things above? Is there a consciousness in me that is constantly aware that my life, what i was made for, is for another time and that this time here and now is not my life? Am I living for eternity?
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